'Madame Web' review: Dakota Johnson headlines the worst superhero movie since 'Morbius'

If only a psychic could have warned us about these wretched Spider-Man spinoffs.

Because if you thought “Morbius” was bad, buckle up for “Madame Web.” Directed by S.J. Clarkson (“Jessica Jones”), the psychological thriller (★½ out of four; rated PG-13; in theaters Wednesday) barely clears the painfully low bar set by Jared Leto’s pseudo-vampire flick.

Burdened by bad dialogue, negligible character development, a lackluster bad guy and assorted B-movie silliness, "Madame" stars Dakota Johnson as a New York City paramedic able to see the future. While gamely trying to venture outside of her drama comfort zone, she as well as others unfortunately get stuck in the film’s web of nonsense. 

The movie centers on Cassandra Webb (Johnson), who in the Marvel Comics' Spider-Verse is an all-seeing elderly blind woman confined to a life-support chair, but here gets a superhero origin story that’s sort of Spider-Man lite. Cassie is an EMT who keeps mostly to herself and her cat when a near-death experience unlocks these weird psychic visions that she initially figures are episodes of deja vu but are actually glimpses into a potential future. (Also important to know: Like with Peter Parker, a spider bite is key to Cassie’s tale.)

Fate, or a forced plot as it were, intertwines Cassie’s life with three youngsters – Julia (Sydney Sweeney), Mattie (Celeste O’Connor) and Anya (Isabela Merced) – and she "sees" them being killed by a strange guy named Ezekiel (Tahar Rahim). After saving the girls from being murdered on the subway, Cassie needs to decode her own traumatic past while keeping her moody new charges safe from this mysterious villain. Ezekiel inexplicably wears what looks like a Spider-Man suit, even though Spidey’s not really a thing (yet) in this 2003-set narrative, which is just going to annoy and confuse casual movie fans.

Frustrated indignation is par for the course with “Madame Web,” given its mostly unexplained race of mythical spider-people, Cassie’s haphazard visions and a ludicrous denouement. Johnson gives her character, who’s not at all comfortable playing cool aunt to a trio of trouble-magnet kids, a sassy scrappiness in the more grounded sections.

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The superhero-y stuff is less successful, and not exactly subtle about its Spider-source material: Cassie learns about great power and having responsibility, and her ambulance partner Ben (Adam Scott) is about to be an uncle, so you don’t have to be a card-carrying Marvel nerd to figure out some things.

And for fans of tight outfits and superpowers, “Madame Web” couldn’t come at a worse time as the latest in a cinematic genre spiraling with diminishing returns. This won't help: Instead of being a breath of fresh air akin to the Tom Holland Spider-flicks, “Madame Web” is instead a reminder of the Worst Superhero Times (aka the mid-2000s), when we couldn’t escape the doldrums of “Spider-Man 3,” “Elektra” and “X-Men: The Last Stand.”

If only someone could have seen it coming.